HEY!

Cruz vs. Arnold for Governor

I am totally voting for Cruz for governor. She is so much hotter than Arnold!Sure Arnold kicked some ass when he was younger, and yes, he’s still in great shape. But the guy’s like in his 50s. We need a fresh perspective in Sacramento. Cruz isn’t even 30 yet.

(Note: This piece is archived from the old version of my website, before I called it a blog. — DG)

My editor has been on my case again.

“Why haven’t you written anything on the recall election?” he asks me. “There’s tons of material on it. It seems ready-made for your insipid brand of humor. It’s just waiting to be written about. It’s a joke waiting to be told.”

“I don’t know,” I say. “I’m not good at understanding politics. And what’s so funny about it? It’s either too complicated, or too obvious.”

“Well, you haven’t met deadline yet, and my guess is you don’t have anything. So I want to see an article about something having to do with Arnold vs. Cruz before the day is out.”

“That’s all?” I say. “That’s easy.”

And it is easy. Cruz has my vote by a mile. She is so hot! Did you see her in “Vanilla Sky”?

Penelope Cruz has got to be the hottest chick in Hollywood, and therefore the world. I don’t need to tell you, ask anyone. And she’s very well connected in the California power structure (no pun intended on “power structure” - she’s not an expert on the power grid).

Just look at her qualifications: She was in “Vanilla Sky”, so she knows Oscar nominee Tom Cruise (her current boyfriend, no relation). Everyone knows Tom Cruise has a lot of power in Hollywood, and therefore, a lot of power in California. This will really help her campaign.

She was in “Captain Corelli’s Mandolin”, so she knows Oscar winner Nicholas Cage. He’s a heavy hitter, too.

She was in “Blow”, so she knows Johnny Depp, a totally cool dude.

She was in “All the Pretty Horses”, so she knows Oscar winner Matt Damon.

She was in “Woman on Top”. Now I didn’t see this movie, but “Woman on Top” is a heck of a campaign slogan. I think it beats Arnold’s slogan of “Total Recall”.

Of course, Arnold Schwarzenegger has acted with a few Oscar winners himself, including Emma Thompson in “Junior”, and Art Carney, Anthony Quinn, and F. Murray Abraham in “The Last Action Hero”. Also, Schwarzenegger was in the same movie, “Eraser”, with Vanessa Williams, who was Miss America, so that’s basically as good as one Academy Award. So I guess that’s a lot of points for the Schwarzenegger camp.

Some people complain that Arnold hasn’t said anything about his policy positions. I don’t think they’ve done their homework. It’s very easy to deduce where Mr. Schwarzenegger stands on the issues if you just take a look at some of his movies: He was in the movie “Junior”, which was about a man who got pregnant as an experiment, and while his doctor wanted him to end the pregnancy, Arnold said it was his right to keep the baby. So on a man’s right to give birth, we know where Mr. Schwarzenegger stands. He’s for it.

In the “Terminator” series, his character is a human-like robotic assassin who turns to helping humans fight to prevent robots from taking over the world. So we know he’s against robots taking over the world (maybe that’s why Governor Davis has to go).

In “Twins”, Schwarzenegger is the successful half of an experiment on cloning, searching for his twin brother (Danny Devito, the unsuccessful half of the experiment), and his mother. So we can bet that Arnold is for reuniting adopted children with both their birth families and their cloned families. These are pretty solid family values.

In “True Lies”, he’s a spy who keeps his identity hidden from his wife for her safety, but then is relieved when she learns his identity and becomes a spy, too. So we can deduce that Arnold believes in honesty in marriage and that women should be able to do any job a man can do. He also believes a husband and wife can work well as business partners.

In “Running Man”, he’s a man wrongly sentenced to death on a live, weekly reality television show where the condemned battles the executioner in hand-to-hand combat. This would seem to indicate he is against the death penalty. In a related side note, however, CourtTV has been bidding on the rights to televising any future California executions if and when Arnold becomes governor. Now that’s great television!

In “Predator”, Arnold and possibly soon-to-be-fellow-governor Jesse Ventura pursue an invisible alien who is out to kill humans. I’m not sure if this gives an indication of Arnold’s position on aliens from south of the border or just the kind from outer space, but we know he doesn’t like some aliens.

Now, I want to give Mr. Schwarzenegger the benefit of the doubt. To be truthful, I haven’t seen all his movies. But I’ve seen most of them, and I loved almost every single one of them.

But no matter what excellent shape Arnold is in, or how good his movies are, he’ll never be as hot as Penelope Cruz. I would pay to see her in any movie, even if it sucked, or was in Spanish. Imagine how interesting politics would be if she were the governor of California! I would never miss the local news. I would vote for any damn thing she told me too. She has me under her spell for sure.

If the governor’s race were like the People’s Choice awards, I’d vote for Penelope Cruz over Arnold Schwarzenegger any day. Well, perhaps the governor’s race is already a little like the People’s Choice Awards, so I guess that’s redundant.

Wait a minute. Hold on, hold on. Hold everything.

My editor just walked in and looked at my computer and said Arnold Schwarzenegger isn’t running against Penelope Cruz, but instead against some guy named Cruz Bustamonte.

Bummer!

Cruz Bustamonte? What’s he ever been in? I don’t think he’s even an actor.

Forget everything I just said in this article. I’m voting for Arnold now.

Or maybe I’ll still vote for Penelope Cruz. She’s way too hot!

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